Bless me Father for I have Twins

It started with rumbly tumblies....then farting. I kept checking to see if one of them had pooped because of the smell...but no....so I left them to play in their excersaucer and jumper. Brian ran an errand for me so I was alone with the boys....A..L..O..N..E.. I started to prepare for our night time routine early because my friend Anne was on her way to pick me up to go to a birthday dinner for our friend Kim. I got the boys bottles and food ready...set up their highchairs, got their jammies, and put the baby tub in the sink. (The smartest thing I've ever done in my life I'll soon come to know.)

All the while the smell was getting worse.....*shudder*

Everything was ready so I went to sniff bottoms again....Jake was first and this time I hit the jackpot!...or the JakePot!

I picked the Jakester up and took him to the changing table...telling him on the way how smelly and gross he was, with his reply being a cheesy, jack-o-lantern, toothy grin. I laid him down on the changing pad and bent over to get a diaper and open up the wipes. When I stood back up, his face was covered in DIARRHEA! WHAT THE BLEEP!?!!??!? What JUST happened!?!?!? I looked at his arm and it was covered...then he started to fling his arms up to his head and down to his hips...that's when I saw it.....the BLOW OUT. The diarrhea was leaking from the side of his diaper. *kAcK* I didn't know if I should laugh or cry....so I did a little of both once I cleared the small bit of throw-up from my throat. It was getting everywhere with every move he made...the window, the changing pad, his shirt, his arms, legs, feet, face, and head. I was trying my hardest to contain it but there was no hope. It even started to leak out from the top of the back of his diaper and all I could think was, "MY GOD! Is he STILL POOPING!?!" That's when I noticed it was on ME!!!!!! It was on my arms and worst of all....ALLL OVER MY SHIRT! It must have been there from the moment I picked him up and carried him to the changing table. OH GOD!!! I started to wipe my arms and him but again there was no hope. I HAD to get the diaper off of him and the shirt off of me and get him in the tub quick so that I could get us clean before Anne knocked on the door. I slowly peeled my shirt off, being careful not to get poop in my hair. I peeled his shirt off and then I was face to face with my enemy....the size 4 Costco diaper that had horribly failed me as a mother. I opened it and it was the worst thing my eyes have ever seen. My child, that I love and cherish, had managed to poop his own weight (almost 22 lbs) in both liquid and solid form at the same time and it completely filled the diaper from front to back. The solid form that Brian likes to call Butt Spackle must have been acting like a plug....but once that broke loose the liquid flowed freely.....eeeeeew!

**Please enjoy a brief intermission while I eat my breakfast**

(I know, how can I eat while I relive this memory?....but sadly, I can....with no problems.)

OK....I'm back...trying to focus and bring this evil memory back to the surface....

So, I get the diaper off and wipe and wipe and wipe....then I decide to give up and just put him in the tub. Thank goodness that I had the baby tub in the sink already because where was I supposed to put a poop covered baby while I was trying to get the tub ready?!? So I put Jake in the tub and start bathing him....all the while, I'm standing there in my bra and jeans....hoping that Anne will not knock on the door. I wouldn't be able to answer the door because I can't leave Jake in the tub alone, not to mention....I'M HALF NAKED...IN MY FREAKIN BRA! So I get him and myself cleaned up and put him in his jammies. I run upstairs and put a sweater on and as I'm coming back downstairs, the wall of poop smell hits me like a ton of bricks! *hUrL* The poopy diaper and the horrible mess is still sitting there on the changing table!!! GGGAAAGGG! I start to open the front door to air out the house and Brian drives up.....THANK GOD! The poor thing....he unsuspectingly walks in and the smell hits him as well. "Whoa!" I begin reliving my tale of horror and my precious hubby helps me clean up the mess....PHEW!....with Jake happily playing in his corral. (Little turd!) Just before Anne drives up, I notice that the smell is hanging on tight like a tick on a deer. I go over to Zack and BAM!...he's pretty much done the same FREAKIN thing! I'm thinking, "What the BLEEP did the daycare lady feed you guys for lunch?!?" I pull him out of his excersaucer and it's leaking out the sides of his diaper as well. Fortunately not nearly as bad, but still....uuuuhhhhh! I'm afraid to hold him close to me because I don't want to have to change my clothes again so, arms extended, I walk him over to the changing table to begin the inhumanity all over again. GEEEEZ! Thankfully Zack didn't destroy the diaper nearly as bad as Jake so the clean up was pretty fast. Phew! Anne knocked on the door just as I finished but she got to walk into a stinky, smelly, disgusting house. (Sorry Anne! Blame it on Brian's DNA!) Sadly, no pictures were taken, but GOOD TIMES PEOPLE!

So, that's my Mom gripe for the day. CRAP HAPPENS!....my boys are gross and stinky....but I love them madly. :)